Repost – Japan Trip 2011 – 11/16 & 17 “Still going!”

Although I am back in LA and thoroughly jet lagged, I will continue posting my trip journals. Photos will be forthcoming, too.

Los Angeles Photographer Michael HelmsOut of bed by 6:30AM and off to tour the Muromachi Sake brewery. It was fascinating. They have been brewing sake in this traditional way for over 300 years. The current owner is the 11th generation but there is a joke that some of their ancestors lived a couple hundred years. The brewery burned at one point and some of the family records were lost, so the family tree has a few sketchy spots that are filled with Japanese humor. We had White Peach Sake, Tomato Sake, Ginger Sake, Plum Sake, Yuzu, Junmai Ginjo, Red Pepper, and a few more that are now a fuzzy blur in my cloudy memory. We got to carry the steaming hot rice in these kind of burlap folder blankets. We Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helmscarried it to a room where it was spread out to cool. The rice is an Omachi rice, which is called phantom rice because it is hard to grow and particular. They “polish” the rice (a sort of grinding process) until there is only 40 percent of it left. That “heart” of the rice is the best part and basically makes Muromachi Sake expensive and REALLY REALLY good! We wobbled out of there and missed our train, so we took the next one to Kyoto.
A bento box on the train helped soak up some sake, so we were approaching sober when we arrived in Kyoto. We had only two hours to tour a couple of temples near the train station because we had to be in Nagoya for another meeting and I had a talk to give. The temples in Kyoto were worth the entire trip to Japan. I was literally moved to tears to see these beautiful structures. Huge buildings built without one nail. So much tradition, so much history, and so much respect for both is obvious everywhere. If you Google the Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helmstemples of Kyoto, you will see what I mean. Simply astonishing. It is my understanding there was a petition sent to our president during World War II, to please NOT bomb Kyoto because of it’s beauty and history.  I am so glad this city was spared, it is full of treasures and beauty. So many cities in Japan were destroyed by US carpet bombing during the war. In my travels around the world, I see over and over again the tragedies of war and the older I get, the more of a pacifist I become. “War, good god ya’ll…what is it good for? Absolutely nothin”.

As we walked back to the train station, I noticed little piles of white stuff by doorways. My girlfriend told me they were piles of salt placed there to ward off evil. Wonder if it works?
We got back to the station just in time to hop the train for Nagoya. I gave a talk there at Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helmssome sort of “Beauty School” . I babbled on about shooting fashion, head shots, marketing and self promotion, then answer questions. It was kind of fun but I was exhausted. We had another bento box on the train. I ate rice, mushrooms, salmon eggs, seaweed, daikon radish and chrysanthemum salad with a yuzu dressing, a bit of egg plant, and some cooked salmon. It was delicious and fresh. The combination of salmon egg and cooked salmon is, amusingly, called “Mother and daughter”.
My girlfriend is fairly nuts. As I’m typing, she turned to me and said,”Give me a mole!”. I adore how random and weird she is. Me,”Uh….OK”. SO I took out my ink pen and drew a mole oLos Angeles Photographer Michael Helmsn her face. She was happy. It’s the little things, ya know.
One of the curious things they have here is “smoking rooms” at the train stations. It’s a glass room about 15′ x 50′ where people go to smoke. It’s weird to see all these people crammed into a smoke filled goldfish bowl. Smoking is still very prominent here, so we are careful to look before we eat or reserve a train car, to make sure it is non-smoking.
There was a photo shoot going on at the school, so I checked it out. One of the teachers was shooting some fashion stills. Much to my horror, the guy who runs the school asked me what I thought. I hate that question. In LA, that means,”try to guess what I think and then agree with me”. I am a lousy politician and am a lousy liar, so that particular question has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion.
I said,”Well..it’s like cream in your coffee, not really right or wrong, just different!”
I THOUGHT I had dodged a bullet but he cut to the chase and said,”Ah… well what would YOU do differently!”
Crap… busted.
“Well, for me, the key light is too low, the fill is too hot, he’s using the wrong lens and camera combo, he should be shooting raw files instead of jpgs, and there are some serious styling issues…the kimono is not being worn correctly !” I winced.
“Ah”, he said. And that was it.
I asked my girlfriend later if I had committed a social faux pas and she said, No…because unlike the US, they really want to know what you think because they respect you. If they didn’t respect you, they wouldn’t bother asking. I hope it helped.Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helms

Four cities in one day is exhausting. Okayama to Kyoto, to Nagoya, to Sendai. We stopped briefly in Tokyo to change trains. I am looking forward to a good night’s sleep in Sendai, ground zero of the earthquake. Tonight it will be just my girlfriend and I, so there won’t be anyone filling up my sake glass over and over. What a relief.
Tomorrow we are off to Akita.

Repost- Japan Trip 2011 – 11/14& 15

 

Note to self: Getting up early does not mix well with late night drinking.  The good news is, I think I’m on track for setting a new personal record for consecutive days with a hang over… wait…is that good news? It’s amazing to me that you can buy beer in vending machines everywhere here. Ugh…it’s 6:30AM, I’ll pass on the beer….for now.

My legs are sore from walking about 2,000 miles yesterday and my feet already hurt. I love it.

This morning, after crashing a little after 2AM, we got up at 6:30AM to catch the bullet train to Osaka. The train stops several times, so it doesn’t always get up to the incredible speeds other ones do. We’ll be on one this Sunday that tops out at about 180MPH! It’s hard to describe the funny experiences one has on the subways and trains. The crazy visuals of passing another train going the opposite direction when you are only a foot or so apart. Ah…these Japanese are so precise. The trains displace so much air that when we pass another train, there is an appreciable surge from the train pushing a compression wave of air in front of it. The tunnels we go through have extensions built on them that dissipate the shock wave and keeps it from going “BOOM”, not too much different than a jet breaking the sound barrier. There are other odd visuals (hey – I AM a photographer after all) such as moving the same direction as another train. It’s odd because, if you take a photo, the train you are shooting and the train you are in, don’t move (in the image) but the scenery is blurred.

On our train this morning, an older gentleman sits in front of us reading the newspaper. What’s interesting is there are ads for tit bars in the local paper that show girls with their bare breasts hanging out. That sort of thing is such a “no-no” in the States while here, they think nothing of it…literally.

The exchange rate for US dollars is HORRID. For every dollar you give, you get about 75 cents. It’s nice that there is no tipping, anywhere. And on a side note, the Japanese health care system is pretty wonderful.
And can I just say a word about the cops here. They are shining examples of how police SHOULD be. They are SOOOO gracious, kind, and helpful. I’ve had them literally RUN to help me, (crisp blue uniforms, hats, and white gloves) and not just give me directions but take me to my destination. No attitude, no posturing, and always willing to go the extra mile. I admire their social awareness and consciousness of their job.
Speaking of social awareness, if a Japanese person has a cold, they will wear a mask so they don’t spread germs. So it is quite common to see people walking around wearing what looks like surgical masks. Social and personal responsibility is a driving force in this culture. I’m big on taking responsibility for our actions, so it is wonderful to see a culture where the act of bringing a law suit against a business, because YOU spilled your coffee in your lap, does not happen. OSHA would make a mess of this place and would be laughed at anyway.

In writing journals, there is no concept of time. From the last paragraph I wrote to this one has been a day and a half. So this will be “Japan Trip…day five” too.

We enjoyed our time in Osaka. I took photos of the staff, students, and some of the clients of Osaka Mode, a “beauty school” where they teach hair, regular and air brush makeup application. There’s a lot more to it, but I’m not sure what all they do. I understand the government is involved in some form of subsidy, but I was just there to shoot and also for a speaking engagement. It was amusing, after my talk, that several students wanted to come ask all sorts of questions. One girl asked me if, in all my travels and adventures, I had ever thought I was gonna die ! lol I actually had to think about that. I can recall many times I probably SHOULD have died but I couldn’t recall any time I thought I REALLY was. It dawned on me that it was a fairly odd experience of my view of what has happened on occasion. Guess Im just weird.
One of the clients was a young man who claimed to be a palm reader. He was a cheery lad who went about reading everyone in the room. My girlfriend and I are, shall we say skeptical, of the accuracy of palm reading but for amusement she stuck her palm out. He blathered on with flagrant generalities that started to bore her, so she said,”Yea..yea..with all that positive stuff, give me something like I have liver failure or some sh*t..”
I cracked up. He looked positively baffled.
Another of her famous quotes came later that night,”WOW…this is the farthest West I have ever been…….. sober”. Little did we know we were about to remedy that.
We spent the night in a lovely condo of a friend in Osaka. Across the street was a tiny restaurant that had the most amazing beer. SO, of course, we had too much…AGAIN. Geeeez. Such an odd experience to be in a restaurant with about 10 people, knowing we will most likely never see them again. We crashed about 2AM but were had to clear the cobwebs at 6:30AM to catch the train to Okayama.

Day Six
The stewardess on the train is so lovely and she bows on her way out the door of our car thanking us all. Americans could learn a lot from the respect and work ethic of the people here.
In Okayama, we visited the Koraku-En castle and the amazing garden there. We sampled rice beer, grape beer, and had the most amazing white peach ice cream. Oh crap….not more beer….and this early!
There was a kiosk where you could buy bread to feed the koi in the lake, so we did. We were somewhat amused that the bread was a long skinny loaf that looked VERY VERY phallic. I, of course, had to make every conceivable comment about it. I turned toward the lake and accidentally broke it into what now appeared to be a decidedly obvious bread dildo. My girlfriend and the 3 other friends with us laughed our asses off. To make matters worse, when we threw pieces of it into the water, the koi would swim up, look at it, then turn away. This of course, inspired my friend Jim to comment about the Koi wanting nothing to do with “dick bread”. Basically, it went downhill from there.
I staggered into a restroom – we sampled LOTS of beer – and was having a satisfactory relief moment, when to my astonishment, a cleaning lady walked in. She ignored me and went about doing her thing, so I did too, but I must admit to a certain momentary performance anxiety. I was glad she wasn’t all that attractive.
We stayed that night at a friends parents house. I wasn’t really looking forward to it because I heard he was pretty well off and I didn’t want to deal with … well, having to behave and mind my manners.
It turns out he was HYSTERICALLY funny and we all laughed so hard we hurt. He told crazy stories about stalking his wife before they got married….for EIGHT YEARS!! On his first date, he took her swimming in the ocean, even though she couldn’t swim. They both almost drowned. He kept telling story after story that had us completely breathless. He spoke of learning how to properly apologize to his wife, so I asked him to teach me. Everyone howled at my ineptitude, but I think I finally mastered it. It’s a sort of bowing, shoulder collapsing, groveling move performed on one’s knees.
We had unbelievable sushi that we made hand rolls out of, and drank beer and sake til we were blind. I decided it was a good time to take photos of them, so I set up some lights. All went well until toward the end when I knocked over my tripod and it punched a hole in their shoji screen. I was HORRIFIED, HUMILIATED, and EMBARRASSED beyond belief. I thought my host was going to have a heart attack, he laughed so hard. Instead of even attempting to make me feel better, he told me (truthfully!) they had just replaced the shoji THREE DAYS prior to our arrival. I’m not sure I have ever seen human beings laugh so hard and long…and unfortunately, at my expense. He thanked me for bringing such good joy and laughter to his home, and then handed me a pen and asked me to SIGN IT! He added that he thought it might be a good idea to punch MORE holes since it brought so much joy into his home! ugh….I could crawl under a tatami.
He was truly one of the most remarkable human beings I have ever met. He and his wife were so gracious, warm, and wonderful. The epitome of what a host should be.
The banter between he and his wife was legendary. He turned to her and said, “Well…you know you are the sunshine of my life!” COMPLETELY DEADPAN, she looked at him and quipped,”It’s always about you, isn’t it!!” The house just shook with laughter.
Off to bed we went around 1AM, heads spinning with booze and revelry.
We had to be up at 6:30 AM… again…. I have completely crushed my previous record for consecutive days with a hangover. When I get home, I’m not gonna drink for a month…whew. But it won’t be on this trip…we tour a Sake Brewery tomorrow!

Repost – Japan Trip 2011 – 11/13/2011

Nov 13, 2011, 8:58:37 AM

A Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helms goes to HarajukuGot up early for a short meeting…admittedly a bit hung over. The meeting went well and after a couple cups of coffee, I was fully awake and the aspirin had kicked in. My gf, my friend Jim, and I, LITERALLY went to Denny’s for breakfast. Our curiosity was killing us. We HAD to know what Denny’s in Japan might offer. Well….I can tell you this… you can’t find natto in Denny’s USA but you can here. Although I like natto, I had a more traditional fare.
So what better way to spent a morning then to take a nice walk to Harajuku. It’s about 2 miles or so from where I am staying at the Tokyo Hilton. HOWEVER, the way I went , it was about 4 miles. I literally took photos on my way there so I could find my way back. Tokyo isn’t an easy place to navigate. I FINALLY found it and walked around just loving all the people watching. I gotta say, Harajuku girls are hot. They look like little dolls. I looked all over to find a Tshirt that said Harajuku” on it. I thought it might be a good one to auction off here on DA to support the Japan relief efforts. But all I could find was T shirts with “Los Angeles” or “New York” written on them!! Geeeez.
I bought my gf a cute set of pink “Hello Kitty” chopsticks. While it baffles me why a grown woman would be so enamoured of “Hello Kitty” stuff, I have no idea…but whatever. Back at our room, we were having a drink with friends when I gave them to her. Since I can’t read Kanji, I had no idea they were personalized and had name on them that was NOT hers. It would be kinda like buying your wife a coffee mug with “Mabel” written on it when her name was Fran. NOT good. It was made worse by the fact she knew a girl by that name and DID NOT like her. It was compounded by the fact she didn’t like the color. How was I to know that pink EVERYTHING is FABULOUS….EXCEPT for chopsticks. Needless to say, the teasing I had given Jim the day before about not having enough money to pay for his meal, was returned today.
I strolled around and took a few photos but not everyone likes having their photo taken, so I mostly shot places and crowds.
I had to be back at the Hilton by 3:30 for another meeting. I arrived at EXACTLY 3:30 exhausted and sore.
Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helms goes TokyoThen I had another speaking engagement to dash off to, so there was no rest for my weary legs. Jim and I were the guest speakers and the studio where we were to speak was only about a mile away. We got lost…. again.
We had the foresight to rent cell phones for our stay in Japan, so after 3 phone calls we arrived half hour late. Part of Jim’s talk also involved him doing a monologue from “King Lear”. He played Edmond convincingly. Of course, after the applause died down I had to say,”WOW…that was amazing Jim. I had no idea Edmond was gay!” He did a double take, then burst out laughing.
We had a wonderful sushi dinner after the studio stuff was done. We found a lovely little hole in the wall resteraunt with AMAZING food. We ate til we were about to explode and then toasted Sake. Thankfully, we made our way back to the hotel without getting lost.
a Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helms goes to TokyoJim retired for the evening but my gf and and I went to Shinjuku Hanazono to an annual festival held at a huge temple there. It was amazing. We had been there last year and remembered it was being held this time of year. I was amazed at the things you could buy there. When I get back to LA, I might post some of the photos. There was a wall of lanterns about 150 feet long and about 40 feel high and priests performing lots of rituals for luck, for family, for friends…and I think pretty much anything you could imagine.
I bought some spices to bring home. Can’t wait to cook with them. We walked up this BIG staircase, tossed some coins in a fountain, rang a bell, and clapped three times. It was charming.
Tomorrow we are off to Osaka. Sake anyone!????

Repost – Japan Trip 2011 – Day Two – 11/12/11

Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helms goes to JapanYesterday was eventful. I spent pretty much all day at a local studio. My gf, who does a lot of management, PR, scheduling, office duties, and a host of other things for my business, worked out a deal with the 3 owners of an art studio not too far from where we are staying at the Shinjuku Hilton.

We arrived at the studio, and the first thing the head dude said to me was he knew me from DA and was a fan. That seemed to me a good way to start but the next words out of his mouth were asking if I’d shoot some nudes of HIM! OK….awkward moment. I assumed the other two guys knew my work also (figured he told them) so I said,”Sure…no problem”.
I spent the entire day shooting the 3 guys and doing wacky images of them and of course, a nude of the leader of the pack. Part of the deal is, I had to shoot photos of their studio for the web. They moved into this new space just two weeks ago and were pretty excited to get the ball rolling on renting and doing their art thing. I was impressed at some of the paintings and sculpture around. There was a five foot long and 4 foot tall walking fish that was equally amusing and creepy.
Another deal that my lovely gf worked out was for me to shoot a few photos in exchange for my tour guide services and translator. So after spending the entire day shooting, I was ready to take a break.
BUT… a dinner was held here at the Hilton in honor of my friend Jim Beaver who is here with us. I mentioned in my last journal, he is one of the lead actors on “Supernatural”. I have never seen the show, so I had no idea of it’s popularity but I’ve been educated by the people mobbing him. Poor guy. He is ever so gracious to his fans.
Again, my gf did the event planning, so the dinner was wonderful. She had scheduled him time at every table, so not one fan was disappointed. Each fan got to ask him a couple of questions, have a photo op (guess who took those photos?), and be generally in the presence of someone they admired. I DO have to say that I never really understand the whole star struck thing though. Guess I’ve been living in LA and rubbing shoulders with enough celebs that I have a clear idea about them being just ordinary people with extraordinary jobs. Jim however, is an extraordinary guy.
He walked around Tokyo yesterday site seeing by himself. But it seems his iPhone GPS signal was bouncing off the buildings so was horribly inaccurate. He got lost. He was a bit frustrated but decided to sit, have a meal, and figure it out. Thing is, he had bought a rather expensive gift for his daughter and didn’t have enough money to pay for lunch! LOL His Japanese is sparse, so he struggled and struggled to try and tell the poor waitress his issue. He finally returned to his iPhone and a translation app, and was able to tell the story. The waitress was fairly upset because she said the owner would be upset at her. It was a tiny lil hole in the wall place (where the best food is always found), and so they didn’t take credit cards. He wandered around FOREVER (his words) to find an ATM, then went back and paid the balance. The waitress was ASTONISHED Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helms goes to Japanthat he returned. I’m not… it’s exactly what I would expect of him, and of course, exactly what I would do.
He got lost on his way back to the hotel, but finally made it in time to shower for dinner.
After dinner, I was surprised to find out one of the fans had GIFTED us all with a “nice” visit to the local KARAOKE bar!!!! Can I just state for the record, how much I detest even the IDEA of karaoke?? OMFG. SO…off we go, and I ordered copious amount of Asahi to survive. Self medication was MY approach to surviving karaoke. I could write 27 entire journals about the evils of karaoke, but the Japanese are freaks for it… well, that and panchinko….but that’s another story. So there we sat, Jim, my gf and I, and a bunch of Japanese fans of Supernatural, in a room with a HUGE video screen, two unfortunate microphones, lots of beer for me, and OMFG… (you really can’t make this stuff up)…TAMBORINES!!! I no longer have any fear of hell because I certainly have been there.
Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helms goes to JapanAfterwards, the three of us strolled (well, THEY strolled, I staggered)  back to the hotel, through streets of hookers, temples, BAD American fast food (yes – you CAN get a SPAM burger here at the local Burger King), and shop after shop of souvenirs.
How the tour guide/translator, one of our friends, Jim, my gf, and someone I still don’t know, all ended up back in our room drinking, I have no idea….but I fell asleep…content with another madhouse day in Japan.

Re-post – Japan Trip 2011 – Day One 11/11/11

Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helms goes to JapanTime is certainly displaced. We’re not really suffering jet lag but it’s obvious our bodies are weirded out by being here.
My girlfriend and I traveled today to Atsugi, about an hour train ride from Tokyo. We had some business to take care of there. It was a bit frustrating because we couldn’t get everything done we needed to, but the traveling to and from was delightful.
I was amazed, looking out the train window, there was not ONE piece of litter. I think we traveled 20 miles or more before I saw so much as a tissue paper beside the tracks. The Japanese, even in the less affluent areas, are incredibly tidy.
During the morning commute, the subway trains are packed so full there are literally uniformed individuals called “pushers” whose job it is to shove people into the cars as tightly as possible. As the doors slide shut they get very aggressive and carry out their job of sardine commuter packing very seriously… and they do it with smiles and white gloves and a charm that everyone not only tolerates but respects.
Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helms goes to Japan with Kaz and Jim BeaverIt seems there is a favored practice here, especially in Tokyo, if one desires to remove himself from the gene pool, to use a swiftly moving subway train as an exit strategy. Flinging oneself in front of said speeding subway is pretty effective and dependable. It’s also an efficacious way of thumbing one’s nose at those left behind because there is a hefty fine levied on the surviving family of the jumper. Today we sat in the subway for an extra 7 minutes so the cleanup crews could gather parts and pieces of some disgruntled soul. I don’t think “cleanup crew” is a job I would ever apply for. I prefer to interact with human beings with all their parts assembled correctly and firmly attached. What amazes me is we were only delayed 7 minutes…these guys clean up fast! In Japan it is disgraceful to be late, so perhaps this manner of suicide has more implications than the obvious.
We continued our journey and it was amusing to see modern architecture blended in among old old temples. We passes mile after mile of packed high rise apartment buildings. It terrifies me to imagine what a lethal virus could do in Tokyo.
We did have a short bit of entertainment from a psychotic dude on the train. Seems a few of his personalities were along for the ride and they decided it was a good time to announce he was gonna take a singing test. He then became his teacher and said a few corrective words, then went back to being “himself” and proceeded to sing for us all. It was short and ceased to be amusing after the third or fourth time through his recital. But it was a way to pass time as we sat waiting for arms and legs to be tossed into plastic bags somewhere down the tracks.
Then there are all these young Japanese girls in school girl outfits. Perhaps it is the better part of discretion not to comment here.. Geeeeeeez
Los Angeles Photographer Michael Helms at Budokan with Jim Beaver Tonight we went to Budo Kan and saw Def Tech. I had no idea what either of those things were but there I was shooting photos of the whole thing. It was loud, young, and Def Tech certainly seemed well received.  Maybe I’m getting old but I’m truly not impressed by electronics. BUT there were some tunes they played that made it obvious there was talent on stage. Guess I’m an old fart… I just LIKE rock and roll.
After the concert we took a long stroll in the rain and went to a little hole in the wall restraint I love here in Tokyo. If you’ve never had shishito peppers….yum…. get some!
I passed on the horse sashimi.
I am here with my girlfriend and my dear friend, Jim Beaver, who is one of the lead cast members of a TV show called “Supernatural”. I’ve know Jim many years and it’s fun to see his career doing so well. He gets recognized a lot here in Japan and he said there was a “small mob” waiting for him when he got off the plane here. How do people find out these things??
Tomorrow night there is a dinner here for him… a bit of PR for the show.
More later… Asahi  in Japan, mmmm….good beer.

re-Post – Japan Trip 2011 Part 1 – “Off to Japan”

Nov 6, 2011, 11:44:12 PM

Los Angeles Photographer Michael HelmsWell…My girlfriend and I are off to Japan next Wednesday, the 9th. We’re pretty excited. Although we’re gonna be there for more than two weeks, I think we only have two days off. We have speaking engagements teaching engagements, and I have shooting to do. We arrive in Tokyo and then head West to Osaka and Okayama. We’re gonna speak at the Osaka Mode Institute of Beauty. Then to Okayama to visit a Sake brewery that we are trying to help bring their distributorship to the US. I’ll probably shoot some of the corporate dudes there.
Then we’re off to Nagoya to visit another institute and speak. Back to Tokyo for a second then on to Sendai. We’ll stop by our house there and take a few pix and check the harbor we loved so much. Most of it is probably destroyed but I’m gonna shoot a lot there and try to get some record of the recovery efforts taking place. After that, we head North to Akita International University. My girlfriend and I are both speaking there to students about characteristics of successful international entrepreneurs. Her topics will be “body language, image, and cultural norms in corporate structure. My topics will include image making, demographic identification, and marketing – all of course with emphasis on photography. I’ll also be shooting some actress there who is evidently well known in Japan….geeez…I don’t know.
Then we’re heading back down to Sendai and Minamisanriku, which was pretty much earthquake ground zero. 95% of the town was destroyed and 50% of the population is gone. I’m gonna try to focus on the recovery and not the devastation. If you go to Google Earth and type in Minamisanriku, it is a sad sight to see.
From there we head back to Tokyo where I’ll be teaching a head shot workshop. We head home the next day. Somewhere in there we have a day off I think.If you are in Japan, please stalk us!! :) OK….I mean let’s have some SAKE!!!!
Here’s our itenerary:[link]

Maybe I’ll even get lucky and get a shot of a cute Harajuku girl! I’ll be there too!

Perils of a Los Angeles Head Shot Photographer – Part I “Shoot dis!”

Thirty five years of photographing actors, models, celebrities, corporate folk, and anyone else who’d pay me, gives me a certain bag of stories that seem “normal” to me until I start telling my friends “what happened in my studio today.”

Take, for instance, the case of Sonny Stiletto.  I’d be comfortable wagering that wasn’t his birth name but that’s who he was when he walked into my studio.  He actually didn’t “walk” into my studio – he swaggered in. Webster defines “swagger”, when used as an adjective, as “denoting a coat or jacket with a loose flare from the shoulders” and that’s a good description of Sonny.  Starting at the top, his hair was lubricated to the point of one molecule away from dripping and it was jet black like shiny plastic.  His cheeks remained sucked in the entire visit so I feel confident he had super glued them to his molars.  He nose was Roman straight (geometrically speaking) and his lips pursed permanently in duck fashion.

“Yo, Michael, how you doin?” he nodded.
“Great Sonny, pleased to meet you. What are we shooting today?” I smiled.
“I need some pichas.  Some good pichas, ya know, to like, get some work or sumthin, ya know?” he pursed.
“OK…pictures you want, pictures you got.  Let’s go through your wardrobe” I interpreted.

So we pulled two wadded up shirts out of a grocery store plastic bag and chatted about which one brought out his eyes best.   Were we going to settle on the shiny dark black cotton shirt (shiny from being ironed too hot), the charcoal black, or the shiny black silk? Sonny preferred the shiny black silk because it “looked good” and showed off his gold chains nestled in his chest hair.   Since that was what he wore in, I figured it was a favorite anyway.

I have learned over the years when someone asks me what I think that they really aren’t interested in what I truly think. The REAL question is,”Try to guess what I think and then agree with me!”. I have also become fairly proficient at reading the air, so I felt rather confident  in choosing shiny black silk. He nodded approval when I said I thought that shirt would bring out his hair also.

After twenty minutes of rearranging his hair to EXACTLY the same position it was when he walked in, we started our shoot.
He stood in front of my camera and proclaimed, “Yo Michael, dis here is a good picha. Shoot dis”
So I did.
He unbuttoned his skin tight jeans and hung his thumbs from the waist band, gave his lips and extra purse and then swaggered,”Den how ’bout I give ya one of deez!”
So I took that photo also.

What I need to interject at this point is that during our entire session he was perseverating about the recent demise of a relationship with a girl in New York.   I’d shoot a few frames and Sonny would say something about that puzzling breakup, then he would return to “Shoot dis”, and off we’d go for a few more frames.   I will condense the two hour conversation to my favorite passages.

Sonny,”I don’t know what her problem is, ya know. What is her problem?”
Me,”You got me, Sonny”
Sonny,”I mean…I got a normal penis, ya know.  So what is her problem?”
Me,”Don’t know, man, that’s truly a mystery”
Sonny,”What does she want anyway, ya know? I got a normal penis!?”
Sonny,”You know what’s wrong with women dees days, Michael?”
Me,”Not a clue, Sonny, do tell”
Sonny,”Their minds are fuckin degenerated.   Dat’s it, ya know.   I think it must be the smog or sumthin, ya know!”
Me,”Ah…it’s the smog… got it.”
Sonny,”You  know what, Michael, I got an idea”
Me,”Yeah!?”
Sonny,”You know what I’m gonna do?  I’m gonna tell ya what I’m gonna do.  Here’s what I’m gonna do!”
(Why Sonny felt compelled to let me know in three different ways that he was called to action, I have no idea, but I was on the edge of my seat.)
Sonny,”I’m gonna get me a couple of dikes. Yea – I’m gonna get me a couple of dikes.   Den they can move in wif me, and I can watch them, and they can watch me, den they can do my laundry!”

I must say I was stunned.   Even for the likes of Sonny Stiletto, this “idea”, left me absolutely speechless.
I stammered,”Wow…well, I’ll be anxious to hear how that works out for ya there, Sonny!”

Somewhere deep (admittedly not that deep) inside me I wanted him to attempt to implement this boneheaded plan. I could just see the headlines in the newspaper:
“Disenchanted Lesbian Couple Hangs Stiletto”
“Gay Couple Throws Stiletto Out Window”
“Dead Stiletto Found Sonny Side Up”

What disturbed me most I  have to say, is knowing that somewhere in the world, Sonny has most likely, reproduced and little Stilettos are running around saying,”Shoot dis!”